I came home early from church today high with social insecurities. I know that the insecurities are unfounded or at least have a reasonable explanation – I can define this myself, I’m just struggling to believe it.
I got in my car and all the negativity smashed into me — what if I’m not right, what if they do dislike me? Maybe I did something wrong and instead of saying something, I’m being shutout. Will I ever be healed? Can I be healed on this earth, if I don’t believe I can? God can do it, and I believe He can for others, but what if I’ve lost all hope that I’ll be healed in this lifetime, can He still heal me? Let me take the pain away, let me create physical pain in myself to make the emotional pain go away. I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, what a loser….
BAM – slapped in the face by the reality that I walk daily feeling like I’m making good progress and then hit with the reality that I still have a ways to go. I know this doesn’t negate the progress I have made, but it feels like it.
And then Believe by All Things New came on and I hear these lyrics:
YOU SAY THAT I AM NEW, BUT I JUST FEEL OLD
IF YOU’RE ALIVE IN MY HEART, WHY DOES IT BEAT THIS COLD
WHEN THE SHAME’S SO REAL, AND MY FAITH IS A GHOST
WHEN THE SUN WON’T RISE, AND I’M ALL ALONE
HELP ME BELIEVE I’M A NEW CREATION
HELP ME BELIEVE THAT I’M SOMETHING MORE
THAN THE PAST THAT I’VE BEEN CARRYING
HELP ME TO KNOW THAT I AM YOURS
I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE SPEAK LOUDER
THAN THESE LIES THAT CALL MY NAME
‘CAUSE I WISH THAT I WAS STRONG, BUT I’M SO WEAK
HELP ME BELIEVE
Yes Lord, help me believe that in my weakness you are there, that you are enough. Let me hear your voice speaker louder than the lies that call my name.
Many don’t know that I deal with a chronic pain condition. I don’t let it stop me and it’s invisible. I don’t speak of it often because the actual condition that causes the pain is socially taboo. Someday I will work up the courage to speak about it and say to hell with social taboo’s, but for today I will let it remain unnamed.
Simply put – chronic pain sucks!
Most days my pain is at a 1 or 2. But when I’m in a flare the pain can range from a 5-8 and it’s constant, it’s distracting, and there is nothing the doctors can prescribe to help it.
I visited the doctor today. The nurse was perplexed, hemming and hawing, scrunching her eyes, and oblivious to how her body language spoke doubt and disbelief to me. The physicans assistant that saw me was much more controlled in her body language and her tone was caring, but I still walked out having heard “everything appears normal, there are no visible signs to indicate a flare.”
I walked to my car discouraged. I sat in my car and cried silent and alone. I came home to share with my husband that even though I say I’m in pain there is no signs to justify it – praying to God that Jeremy believes me and doesn’t think I’m faking it (he doesn’t).
Basically, I just feel alone, frustrated, and discouraged. How can I treat a condition that has no known cause and can flare but the doctors can’t see it.
Just remember everyone has a battle they are fighting, sometimes it may not be seen or spoke of, but it’s there lingering beneath the surface. Be kind, be joyful, show compassion, show love.