Life with vulvodynia 

It’s indescribable to explain the pain a person feels when urinating with micro-tears on their vestibule.  It literally brings a person to their knees in pain, followed by tears from the pain and the reality that this is life with vestibulitis.  

There is no way to explain the pain of feeling your vaginal walls rubbing against each other as you walk because they are so inflamed and swollen.  This is life with vulvodynia.  

It’s unbearable feeling as though you are on fire every time you go pee. 

It’s terrifying to even think of being aroused knowing that it will set off a series muscle spasms and pain.  

It’s painful to sit too long when your pelvic muscles are in spasm that it feels as though you’re being stabbed.  

It’s impossible to describe how scary and stressful it is to get a pelvic exam to try and help deal with this condition, knowing that it will result in intense pain, swelling, and iritation in the week to come.  

Nearly every day I come home with an incessant itch that can’t be scratched, a pain in my buttocks from the spasms in my pelvis, and an acceptance that all of this is just normal.  
This is life with vulvodynia 😢

As one withers, another is in bloom. 

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Help me believe

I came home early from church today high with social insecurities. I know that the insecurities are unfounded or at least have a reasonable explanation – I can define this myself, I’m just struggling to believe it.

I got in my car and all the negativity smashed into me — what if I’m not right, what if they do dislike me? Maybe I did something wrong and instead of saying something, I’m being shutout. Will I ever be healed? Can I be healed on this earth, if I don’t believe I can? God can do it, and I believe He can for others, but what if I’ve lost all hope that I’ll be healed in this lifetime, can He still heal me? Let me take the pain away, let me create physical pain in myself to make the emotional pain go away. I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, what a loser….

BAM – slapped in the face by the reality that I walk daily feeling like I’m making good progress and then hit with the reality that I still have a ways to go. I know this doesn’t negate the progress I have made, but it feels like it.

And then Believe by All Things New came on and I hear these lyrics:

YOU SAY THAT I AM NEW, BUT I JUST FEEL OLD
IF YOU’RE ALIVE IN MY HEART, WHY DOES IT BEAT THIS COLD
WHEN THE SHAME’S SO REAL, AND MY FAITH IS A GHOST
WHEN THE SUN WON’T RISE, AND I’M ALL ALONE

HELP ME BELIEVE I’M A NEW CREATION
HELP ME BELIEVE THAT I’M SOMETHING MORE
THAN THE PAST THAT I’VE BEEN CARRYING
HELP ME TO KNOW THAT I AM YOURS
I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE SPEAK LOUDER
THAN THESE LIES THAT CALL MY NAME
‘CAUSE I WISH THAT I WAS STRONG, BUT I’M SO WEAK
HELP ME BELIEVE

Yes Lord, help me believe that in my weakness you are there, that you are enough. Let me hear your voice speaker louder than the lies that call my name.