Finding Meaning

I keep thinking to myself, “Why do I feel this way? Why don’t I feel loveable?” and to be honest, I can’t really come up with a reason, not in my understanding at least.

I grew up in a loving environment and felt loved by most around me. My parents loved me and showed it regularly. My sister, well she was busy with her own life. I believe she loves me now, but I don’t know that she loved me then. None the less, I don’t believe that her lack of transparent love as a teenager is what has resulted in my current state. All this brings me to my current state of “why?” I just don’t know, I want to know, but I don’t know where to look.

Then I come to my other “why?” “Why does it matter?” Why does it matter why I feel the way I do, isn’t it more important where God can bring me than where He’s bringing me from? I would like to believe this, I really do but something inside me holds me back. I keep thinking that if I don’t know the why and I move on, then the feelings will eventually come back. But will they? Only time will tell.